Jack P. Carter

The kindness and generosity we have been called to show to each other can appear in so many ways. One of these avenues is simply giving the benefit of the doubt. The opportunity for this often presents itself when someone says or does something we don’t quite understand or seems hurtful. What are some of the possible cases we encounter?

• You greet a brother or sister warmly, but they are cold or give a tepid response.
• You send an “important” text, but it takes days to get an answer. (if you get one)
• You go out of your way to arrange for a special get-together for someone, but they don’t even come or don’t stay for all that long.
• Preparations for an event are being planned and carried out, but you weren’t even asked to help.

I could go on with an endless list of scenarios that appear to be that someone is being slighted. It isn’t a question of whether things like this have happened to us or whether they will happen again. The question is, “What is the proper response?”.

In each of the examples given above there are a variety of possible responses we could give. The sad reality for many is that the most negative version is assumed and is usually perceived to have a personal hue to it. We begin to construct what their reasons are for behaving this way and the more we dwell on it the more sinister the motives of the other person seem to become. 

• “They didn’t greet me ‘just right’, therefore they have a problem with me that they are not telling me.”
• “They didn’t respond appropriately to my text; therefore, they don’t think what matters to me is all that important.”
• “I made all this effort for them and for what?  I don’t think they appreciate me.
• “They know I love to be a part of events such as VBS, but I guess they don’t think my talents are sufficient.”

The sad and dangerous part of this is that the person who feels offended usually doesn’t keep it to themselves. They begin to share their disgruntled attitude with others and build a narrative on non-existent facts. Before you know it, there are “us and them” camps brewing.

What are some of the things these responses have in common?

1. The one who feels that they have been slighted is focused on how this affected them.
2. Without realizing it, the one who feels they have been slighted behaves as if they can read minds.
3. All the conclusions were negative.

In the 70’s there was a person who rose to fame on the notion that he could read minds.  He was simply called, “The Amazing Kreskin.” He traveled all over the country and would astound the crowds with what appeared to be a bonified ability to read minds. At age 88 he is still going strong and has even had an event as recently as July 12, 2023. I suspect that members of the crowds were perplexed about how he was able to do this, but they were possibly envious and wished they could read other people’s minds. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go anywhere near learning how to read other minds. The struggle I have is convincing myself to not make the attempt when I misunderstand someone else’s actions. Obviously, the point being made here is that there is no such thing as being able to read minds, but the same people who would sit in an audience and observe the “Amazing Kreskin” with utter skepticism may be the same people who would turn right around and react to others as if they could read their minds. 

Does this mean that the negative assumptions mentioned above are out of the question? Sometimes what we observe in a person’s actions or words are exactly what they appear to be. But, more often than not, we are dead wrong in those assumptions.

What if the person greeted you coldly because they recently had a serious falling out with their spouse or one of their kids?

What if they didn’t send a response to your text because they were managing other matters already in motion of equal or greater importance?

What if they had a scheduling conflict they could not get out of that prevented them from enjoying your gracious gesture?

What if it just escaped their notice to ask you to help with something?

What if we were more prone to give the benefit of the doubt instead of trying to be our own version of The Amazing Kreskin?

Regardless of what someone else’s motives were for a lackluster response to your greeting or efforts if you sense that there may be an issue between you and that person, go directly to that person and iron it out. There is a reason James admonishes us about the harm the tongue can do. Stop being a mind reader and let the other person speak for themselves. This is one of the strongest forms of love you can show. If you want to receive the benefit of the doubt, you should be first in line to show it.

jack@rockymountainchristian.com