Modern Problems / Ancient Solutions
by Denny Petrillo, Ph. D.
Raising children is challenging. Parents for centuries have sought out tips on how to be more
successful. Frequently those who were considered successful were sought out and asked for
advice. There is, however, a new approach to parenting that is gaining a lot of support and a lot
of attention. It is called “gentle parenting.” Scarlen Valderaz explains what this is:
Gentle parenting has been the latest trend among social media and mom groups. Gentle parenting
focuses on a parent’s empathetic approach to parenting and a child’s self-awareness and
understanding of his behavior. The goal of gentle parenting is to help a child set healthy
boundaries and regulate his own emotions with the help of his “coach,” also known as the parent.
On paper, this parenting approach sounds nice and maybe useful; however, this is not how gentle
parenting plays out in practice.
An example of “gentle parenting” is found in the blog of Dr. Leonard Sax. He has been a
practicing family doctor for 34 years. He tells about a six-year-old patient with a fever. Dr. Sax
could not look at the child’s throat because the child refused to open her mouth. Dr. Sax asked
her mother for help, and the mother responded, “Her body. Her choice.” Dr. Sax provided some
observations that have shown how politics and parenting have intermingled. He says, “As a
family doctor, I simply did not encounter this kind of parenting 10 years ago. Now I see it every
day. And the parents who are practicing gentle parenting are (in my experience) almost always
politically left-of-center.”
There is growing support for gentle parenting, as one can find numerous articles on what it is and
how to do it on the internet. One such site provided the following description of gentle parenting:
Gentle parenting is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment. It is centered on
partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. Gentle parenting is
as it sounds; it is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and caregivers that practice
gentle parenting do so by guiding their children with consistent, compassionate boundaries—not
a firm hand.
“Gentle parenting, also known as collaborative parenting, is a style of parenting where parents do
not compel children to behave by means of punishment or control, but rather use connection,
communication, and other democratic methods to make decisions together as a family,” says
Danielle Sullivan, a parenting coach and host of the Neurodiverging Podcast based in Lafayette,
Colorado.
One of the clear problems with the “gentle parenting” approach is that it is unproven. As time
goes on, it will manifest itself as an approach that clearly did not work. This has been the case
with the flawed work of Dr. Benjamin Spock. His approach to child-raising, which was accepted
and applied by thousands of parents when first released (1946), has not proved to be effective. It
was based on a humanistic approach and philosophy. According to Debbie Caudle, Humanism
has impacted parenting in four crucial ways:
- Independent thinking should be promoted over strict obedience or adherence to rules.
- Demand the best for your children—not necessarily the best from your children.
- Feeling good is more important than doing good.
- Physical possessions can increase happiness, so buy your kids what they want, when they want
it so they don’t feel deprived.
What has been the result of this philosophy? A number of things: individualism, entitlement,
self-importance, unrealism, and materialism.
Biblical Solution
Modern man has rejected the Bible and the instructions given therein. This is very clear when it
comes to parenting. However, God has not remained silent when addressing the challenges of
parenting, while providing inspired instructions for parents. Consider these biblical solutions: - Use the Rod
You will notice that one of the keys to “gentle parenting” is the absence of “punishment.”
The “rod” is often recognized as an appropriate tool of discipline. The Hebrew word for “rod”
is shebet. It is a word that refers to a “rod, staff, club, or scepter.” It was used for smiting
(Exodus 21:20; Micah 4:14; Isaiah 10:15), and for beating (Isaiah 28:27; 1 Chronicles 11:23; 1
Samuel 17:40, 43). It was used as a club by shepherds (Psalm 23:4; Micah 7:14; Ezekiel 20:37;
Leviticus 27:32). It was carried by soldiers as a weapon of war (1 Samuel 17:40; 2 Samuel 23:1;
1 Chronicles 11:23; Isaiah 10:24; 30:31). The word is found eight times in Proverbs (10:13;
13:24; 22:8, 15; 23:13, 14; 26:3; 29:15).
The Bible affirms that a father using the rod loves his son (Proverbs 13:24). My parents
were firm believers in corporal punishment, and I am thankful that they applied it. According to
God’s Word, the rod is used because words are sometimes ineffective in ridding the child of
foolishness (Proverbs 22:15). This point alone is lost to those favoring the “gentle parenting”
approach. The Bible also affirms that discipline builds stronger character (Proverbs 15:32),
whereas children allowed to choose their own way will result in shame and disgrace (Proverbs
29:15).
- Train the Child
One of the more famous verses in Proverbs is 22:6. It reads, “Train up a child in the way
he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” The word “train” means “to
dedicate, to make experienced; to accustom (as one does to a horse by a bit in his mouth or rope).
Get him used to something.” The analogy to the bit in the mouth of a horse is important. Does
the horse like the bit? Of course not, and early on he will be resistant to it. However, the rider
must use the bit to control the horse, otherwise, the horse will be unproductive and even
dangerous. So also with a child. Children, despite claims of gentle parenting, do not know what
is best for themselves. Their brains are not developed enough to make good, logical decisions.
The little girl spoken of earlier clearly did not know what was best for herself. Her mother had
the responsibility to train her in the direction she needed to go (in this case, open her mouth for
the doctor), and to use corporeal punishment if the girl refused to comply. The verse encourages
parents to get a child familiar with the right path or living the right lifestyle. The word “train”
(chanack) means to get someone used to something like getting a horse used to the bridle or bit.
Thus, we are to see that our children get used to living the godly lifestyle so they become
comfortable with it and resigned to it. If this is done, they will keep walking in the path with
which they are accustomed when they grow old. There is more implied than teaching. We must
get the child accustomed to doing the Lord’s will. We do this by showing him through a
righteous example, providing a living model of how to practice and apply the wisdom of God.
The apostle Paul said, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up
in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The word “instruction” (nouthesia)
means “counsel about avoidance or cessation of an improper course of conduct, admonition,
instruction.” It is clear that “counsel” and “instruction,” is a part of child raising. However, this
word does not mean to allow the child to make his or her own decisions, even when the parent
knows such decisions are harmful. Such is not parenting and assumes that the child is going to
know the dangers of his or her choices. If a child wants to play with a sharp knife, is the parent
going to allow it because the child has the right to choose? Rather, the parent will bring about the
“cessation of improper conduct” by taking away the knife. In all probability, the child will whine
and cry, yet the decision was ultimately for the child’s wellbeing. - Be a Good Example
If you live in an urban area, you have probably witnessed sports fields filled with parents
and children on Sunday mornings. Probably those parents are trying to be encouraging and
supportive of their children. They have probably reasoned that missing worship services a few
Sundays during the season will not be all that detrimental. Numerous studies have proven
conclusively that such is not the case. What is being taught is priorities. The desire to be a part of
a team is a higher priority than going to worship God. While no parent would say that, they are
teaching that through their example.
The Bible teaches the importance of parents leading their children through godly
examples. The wise man Solomon offered these words to his son:
Hear, my son, and accept my words, that the years of your life may be many. I have taught you
the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness. When you walk, your step will
not be hampered, and if you run, you will not stumble. Keep hold of instruction; do not let go;
guard her, for she is your life (Proverbs 4:10-13).
Good parents are continually aware that their children are watching them. They use that
knowledge to their advantage, providing a positive example for their children. Solomon later
would say: “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways” (Proverbs 23:26).
Paul was thankful that Timothy had been brought up with the good example of a godly mother
and grandmother (2 Timothy 3:14-17). Part of that godly example was teaching and modeling
God’s instructions found in the Scriptures.
4. Provide Encouragement
Children need positive reinforcement when they have done well. Receiving praise from
their parents goes a long way to continuing appropriate behavior. Far too frequently the only
attention a child receives is negative, and the only words they hear are criticisms. Such an
environment will produce worse and ultimately destructive behavior. Solomon said to his son:
“My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad. My inmost being will exult when your
lips speak what is right” (Proverbs 23:15-16).
Conclusion
The modern mindset of “soft parenting” will be proven—with time—to have been a terrible idea.
Wise parents should return to biblical principles, using God’s divine instructions. These
instructions involve discipline, example, and even corporeal punishment. Time has proven these
approaches to be effective. Once again, there is an ancient solution to a modern problem. That
solution is found in the pages of God’s Word.
denny@rockymountainchristian.com
